Sunday, September 20, 2015

4 August, (Goodnight Fries)

 The day I lost one of my kids.
I woke up, showered and was preparing to feed Max before getting ready for work.
Fries' cage was beside Max's food bowl because I can't have 2 nocturnal animals in my room.
Just when I was about to pick up Max's bowl,
I saw that Fries was out of her little cave which was very unusual because she would not come out until night falls.
She was laying on her side just next to her cave which she sleeps in..

I stopped myself because I didn't want to believe my eyes.
I opened her cage and screamed and started to sob so loud Max ran away because he was frightened..
I couldn't even stand. My legs gave way and I was on the floor trying to catch my breath as I wailed like mad.
You must think I'm being dramatic because well, she's just a hamster..
She's not. She wasn't.
She meant so much to me. She does things that makes me laugh and I kiss her more than 20 times daily and I can still remember her scent. 

I was so heartbroken when I felt her body.
So cold and stiff but her fur was still soft.
Why wasn't I there when she took her last breath?!
It took me a long time before I could accept that she was really gone.
I went downstairs and wanted to bury her.
After digging the soil, I couldn't bear to close the lid of the box.
I went back to my block, sat at a bench and stroked her fur and was in tears again.

I really couldn't bury her.
I knew the fact that she was gone but I was in denial.
Kept thinking that maybe she was hibernating as it was really cold those few days or perhaps she had a stroke right?
I don't know. I didn't want her to leave me..
There was a newly opened veterinary clinic just opposite my block.
I went over and even though the shutters were half closed I still went in.
The lady at the counter told me the shop's not opened yet then the veterinarian heard me and came out telling me they are not open for business yet but when she saw my face she nodded and said,
"Ok what is it? I will see what I can do."

I was really apologetic and slightly embarrassed for behaving like a kid.
I showed her Fries and told her I'm not sure. 
I just want to know if my hamster is really dead if not I can't bury her.
She went in to take her stethoscope and came back to check for Fries' heartbeat.
She shook her head and said she's really sorry.
It made me burst into tears again.. 
I thanked her and apologized for walking into the shop like that..

Gahh.. Fries was 1 year and 7 months.
Active and was still eating the day before..
It was really too sudden.
Even though hammies really bring joy to your life,
I won't be adopting/purchasing anymore.
Their life span is so short..
Better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all?
Nah.. I'd rather not experience love than having to dwell in this heartbreak.

  I've always loved her little paws and would kiss them too.
I miss her so much. This would also mean that after this post,
there would be no new pictures of her in my blog anymore..
And I hate that.
Things and people that I love should constantly be updated here.
My baby..
The way she looks into your eyes would melt your heart.